The Kids Who Weren’t Allowed to Feel Are Now the Parents Trying to Heal

jacksonsadvocacy
Oct 13
5 min read

You know the look.

That “we would’ve never gotten away with that” face your parents give when you talk to your kid instead of yelling at them.

Or when you gasp — apologize.

That look says, “Oh wow, you let them win.”

But parenting isn’t supposed to be a power struggle.

It’s supposed to be a relationship.

The 80s Called — They Want Their Fear Back

A lot of us were raised in homes where fear was called “respect.”

You didn’t question adults. You didn’t talk about your feelings.

And if you cried, someone told you to stop before they gave you something to cry about.

It worked — if you measure success by how quiet we were.

It created compliant kids who turned into adults terrified of messing up.

People-pleasers who over-apologize.

Adults who confuse love with performance.

So when this generation of parents started saying things like,

“I understand you’re upset,”

instead of

“Because I said so,”

it wasn’t weakness. It was correction.

“Because I Said So” — Or Because You’re Tired?

Let’s be honest — “because I said so” usually means “I’m done repeating myself.”

We’ve all been there. But kids aren’t robots. They need context, not commands.

When I talk to my kids, I tell them,

“I’m your coach. I’m not your enemy. We’re on the same team.”

My job isn’t to dominate them — it’s to help them figure out how to handle life.

And yes, it takes more words and patience.

But I’d rather explain now than repair later.

What Soft Parenting Actually Is (and Isn’t)

Soft parenting doesn’t mean letting your kid run the house while you burn sage and whisper affirmations.

It means:

Holding boundaries without shaming.
Saying no without power trips.
Correcting behavior without killing connection.

It’s not “no rules.”

It’s “rules with relationship.”

You can say,

“It’s okay to be mad you can’t have a cookie.

It’s not okay to throw it at the wall.”

That’s not weak — that’s emotional intelligence.

And most adults are still trying to learn it.

“I Turned Out Fine” — Sure, Jan

If you’ve ever heard someone say, “I turned out fine,”

You’ve also probably watched them struggle with boundaries, anger, or emotional shutdown.

25 years later, those "I turned out fine" Jans are in therapy

We didn’t “turn out fine.”

We turned out functioning. There’s a difference.

And just to be clear —

this isn’t about blaming our parents.

They did the best they could with what they had.

If anything, they got it worse.

This is generational — not personal.

They were raised on even less emotional awareness than we were.

So when we choose to do things differently, it’s not rebellion. It’s evolution.

Old-school parenting raised survivors.

We’re trying to raise humans who don’t have to recover from their childhood before building a life.

When Boys Can’t Cry — and Girls Can’t Question

Here’s the thing: it’s not just boys. It’s all of us.

Boys were told emotions make you weak.

Girls were told questioning authority makes you difficult.

And now society acts shocked when men explode and women stay silent.

You can’t raise boys to fear feelings and girls to fear conflict,

then ask why men can’t express and women can’t say no.

Boys learned to suppress.

Girls learned to submit.

Different symptoms. Same disease.

Emotionally Unavailable Parents: The Ones Who Were “There” but Not Really

Emotional unavailability isn’t about whether you showed up — it’s about whether you connected.

Maybe you grew up with parents who were physically present but emotionally somewhere else — too busy, too stressed, or just too disconnected to tune in.

And listen, most of them didn’t mean harm. They were doing what they were taught.

But emotional absence wrapped in good intentions still leaves a scar.

When Dad’s There but Not Really

Dads set the emotional tone for what “strength” looks like.

If strength means silence, sons grow up thinking feelings make you weak.

If strength means control, daughters learn that love feels like walking on eggshells.

For sons, that can turn into anger, emotional shutdown, or “I don’t know what I feel.”

For daughters, it often becomes chasing validation from emotionally unavailable men later on — because that’s what feels familiar.

It’s the cycle no one talks about:

The boy who never learned to feel grows into the man who can’t connect,

and the girl who learned to please grows into the woman who can’t say no.

When Mom’s There but Not Available

Moms get a cultural pass because we’re busy.

But emotional availability isn’t measured in themed birthday parties or cute lunches — it’s measured in presence.

You can do all the Pinterest projects in the world,

but if your child can’t come to you with their feelings,

they’ll trade connection for compliance.

For sons, that can mean they grow up overperforming to please women or avoiding emotional women altogether.

For daughters, it often means becoming little adults — perfect on paper, dying inside.

Women who can do everything right and still never feel enough.

Because you can’t nurture a child emotionally if you’re disconnected from your own emotions.

The Empathy Crisis

When kids grow up without emotional modeling, they don’t learn to care — they learn to cope.

Empathy isn’t instinct; it’s taught.

If no one modeled it for you, it’s not your fault that it doesn’t come easy.

But here’s the fallout:

We’ve got a generation confusing dominance with strength, people-pleasing with kindness, and silence with respect.

That’s not “fine.”

That’s unhealed.

I’m Human Too

I point out my mistakes because my kids need to see that adults are human.

I don’t know everything. I’m still figuring life out — just like they are.

And so were our parents.

And their parents before them.

Nobody gets this perfect.

But we can do it better.

We can raise our kids the way we wished we’d been raised —

with empathy, space to speak, and permission to feel.

Because breaking the cycle isn’t about blame.

It’s about awareness.

Why I Parent Differently

So yeah — I apologize to my kids when I mess up.

I explain rules instead of dropping “because I said so.”

Because I’m not raising kids who fear me.

I’m raising kids who trust me enough to come to me when they screw up.

I tell them,

“I’m your coach, not your opponent.”

When we model humility, they learn accountability.

When we name our feelings, they learn empathy.

When we listen, they learn compassion.

We can hold boundaries and be emotionally available.

We can teach respect without fear.

We can raise boys and girls who feel — not fear.

Breaking the Cycle

If you’re parenting differently than you were raised,

you’re not being too soft.

You’re being brave.

You’re choosing connection over compliance.

Presence over performance.

Empathy over ego.

So when someone gives you that look — the one that says, “You’re too easy on them,” —

just smile and say,

“We’re not raising obedient kids.

We’re raising emotionally healthy adults.”

And honestly? That’s the generation that might finally break the cycle. 💚

References

Biringen et al. (2014). Fathers’ Emotional Availability with Their Children: Determinants and Consequences. Early Child Development and Care.
Gross & John (2003). Individual differences in emotion regulation: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.